Monday, 19 November 2012

Winners NEVER Quit? Meh.

Winners NEVER Quit???

Whatever. Meh.

writer exits stage left, sticking two  fingers up in the air, breathes heavy sigh of relief.

sometimes I ought to listen to myself.
really, I should.

What, you too?

Yeah seriously, try it. It's actually quite liberating to realize that despite many many many occasions supporting the opposite hypothesis. I can actually be wise. I can actually issue myself some valid advice.

(Ok, shut up, Anne Turner who came in on me breast feeding child number two. He who absolutely refused to latch on, no matter how hungry he was. I know I was cursing under my breath every. single. time. he. reattached. I know he was hungry. I know I was in agony. I know I was so pale I looked liked a Team Edward extra.
BUT DAMMIT, number one was a write off on breastfeeding for completely separate reasons, so I was determined this time. Thank you for going to the chemist and returning with a tin of formula and forcing me to do it. Everyone was immediately happier and he is now, at age 11 a delightful child, and no worse for my bad bad bad mothering)

(Ok, and you shut up as well Tammy Johnston...I know you can point out waaaay to many occasions to list, really shut up)

I can be wise, and I can follow my own counsel ....and believe it or not, I'm going to do it for once.
Last year in December I wrote a blog on how I felt after my first proper attempt at National Novel Writing Month. And I said in a round about way that I didn't think I'd do it again. Unless...
Unless I plotted it out very well. Which this year I did, thank you.
Unless I learned to be a better typist as I was so slow that keeping to the word count really infringed on family life, my normally fairly happy mood and a million other things...
Which I did not.
No, really I did not, despite buying a copy of Mavis Beacon (barely looked at it)

And I also remember saying how I couldn't wait till I got the chance to start writing again slowly, painstakingly, choosing each word for the sheer beauty of it.

I ignored that feeling, and jumped straight in again this year.
I had 30k of a novel already started, it took me 3 months to get that far, taking my time, not stressing, and agonizing over the exact wording on many sentences. I loved that beginning phase of this book, love the premise of the novel, love the characters. Couldn't wait every day to spend time with them.

Then Nano happened. I decided to try to get to the end of the first draft for this book with the 50k I'd write in November.With all it's scrabbling and stressing and me trying desperately to juggle family & housework & writing & friends & sleep & & & & ......

I realized today that I HATE 90% of what I've written in the last 2 weeks. Not the plot, not the structure, not the actual scenes. Just the rushed nature of it. the not as carefully executed nature of it. the throw away sentences and not quite exact wording. And the desperation to just keep on top of the word count.
AND I'm really stressed out, with the rest of this month's horizon looking so cluttered and manic that there is literally no breathing space. So the stress is gonna get much worse.

I am taking my own advice. I'm bowing out after two weeks.
And to be fair, me backing down and letting go of my stubbornness within a two week window is a MAJOR step forward in my personal maturity. (and we all know how mature I am ....NOT)

So see ya later my lovely fellow Nano nutters. I will follow you on line, I will chat on FB and stay part of the group....I'll just go at my own pace and not worry about the word count. I'll worry about how lyrical it is, whether it's pulling me by the heartstrings down unexpected paths. I'll worry about being madly in love with all my characters, making them well rounded, interesting and complicated.

Starting tomorrow I'll concentrate on  w.r.i.t.i.n.g....not...... (add go faster stripes)
==>>> writing!!!!====>>>>