Thursday, 25 April 2013

Sparkly Happiness Project!

I got punched in the face this past week with a rather unpleasant truth: I AM A BITCH.

Let’s clarify: I am a Bitch on STEDS, riding a flaming motorbike from the gates of hell, flinging dollops of steaming poo and bad attitude in my wake.

My mate Keith, father of 7 and a social worker, calls it Releasing the Beast. And boy have I been letting her out of the cage a lot. Giving in to frustration & anger & venting to such an unproductive level that I can’t reign in back in and I just rile up everyone around me. Kind of like Sully seeing himself scaring Boo on Monsters Inc. Only I've had it on a repeating loop for ages. Not a pretty site.

But I can also be sweetness and light & am considered an optimistic person. I have Wikipedia sized volumes detailing the trials and ordeals I've got thru with a smile on my face and an annoyingly cheerful song in my heart. Somewhere, in the last year or so, that got lost, under an avalanche of crap.

Turning 49 a few weeks ago shook me up a bit. (yes my profile picture is OLD- 3yrs to be precise.) I had one of those boringly typical middle aged OMG moments thinking- do I want to wake up and be THIS person on my 50th birthday?

The answer was a resounding NO.
So the question became WHY? What the hell has been going on with me?  Inner conflict and a general festering frustration & unhappiness, that’s what. For a long time now I've had on this shiny pink mask of optimism that’s hidden a toxic pond of procrastination, pointless anger and foot stamping.

NO MORE. I am also usually PROACTIVE. That’s where the feelings of conflict have come in. I've been stuck in avoidance, denial and procrastination. 


So starting May 1st I'm on a mission, embarking on a 

Not sparkly like team Edward at the beach. Or a disco ball, or Lelly Kelly shoes. More like the sparkle of dew on the grass on a peaceful cool spring morning. Birds chirping. Breeze ruffling the new birth of leaves. Serene. Uplifting.

To do this I've made a list of 20 things: ten that make me happy, ten that make me rage.  I’m changing the focus of my time and attention, pulling things back to a more balanced core. And I'm taking a sabbatical from writing until September. I have one commissioned project to do, then it’s quits. In all this hassle and aggro I’ve put myself in a place where I HATE writing…the thing that I love best, one of the things that defines me. You know you’re out of kilter when you hate the thing you love so much.

So 4 months to do what, then? Stop procrastinating a million things that have festered and niggled at the back of my brain. Address some things that need changing in myself. Spend time with hubs & kids. It'll take some work & I'm gonna blog my progress, be accountable to you all. Come along for the ride OR- even better yet, join me in a SPARKLY HAPPINESS PROJECT of your own.

We can be each other’s cheerleaders. I promise not to fling poo.

Look for me here again on MAY 1st, DAY ONE! 


  1. I've been feeling similar recently and then, as I listened to In Our Time this morning, I was reminded why I like Montaigne so much. because he said you should just disconnect yourself from the things that you can't help and that's what I haven't been doing. So in an effort to stop myself from obsessing about the things I can't help I might have a BEARDY FRENCH PHILOSOPHER PROJECT.


  2. Good on you for recognizing a need to do something differently. FTR, I haven't caught sight of The Beast Bitch on this side of the electrons. But that doesn't matter does it? What matters is what's going on inside your own skin. And those who wear skin around you. I'm proud of you for committing to do what it takes to get back on personal track. ::Sprinkles magical, refreshing glitter::